City of Tranquil Light by Bo Caldwell

Author:Bo Caldwell
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781429947916
Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.

August 8, 1917

Since Lily’s passing, I have many moments when I think she is here. It can be anything—a bundle of clean laundry on the bed whose curved shape is so like that of her body when she was wrapped in a blanket; the sight of a mother carrying her own baby, though the child looks nothing like mine; the sound of mourning doves cooing on the tile roof, so like the sounds she made. For a moment I am elated; I think there has been an awful mistake and that she is here. Then I see the laundry or the other child or the doves, and I remember that she is no longer on this earth, and my heart contracts.

This happens with Will now. He has been gone for twenty-seven days, and I frequently I think I see him striding across the courtyard or coming into the house or sitting at his desk, only to realize that I’m seeing a shadow or a tree or a man who actually looks nothing like Will. Then the torment begins. What if he has not returned by next week? By next month? What if he never returns?

At times my fear overwhelms me. Last night I woke in the dark and the panic seemed unbearable. All sorts of horrible possibilities presented themselves in my mind, fantasies that I would not entertain in the daytime but that took hold of me in the dark of our bedroom and seemed completely real. As I lay there alone, I became convinced that Will had been killed, and my breathing quickened and my heart began to beat so hard that it was all I could do not to cry out.

I heard the door open. Then I heard soft footsteps and knew it was Mo Yun; I smelled the ocher-colored sesame oil that she massages into her long braid each night. I heard her move toward the bed and I felt her leaning over me. I was ashamed of my lack of faith, but I whispered, “I am so afraid.”

Mo Yun didn’t speak; she just rested her hand on my back then began to trace circles with her fingers—across my shoulders and down my spine, back and forth, up and down, again and again. As she did, my heartbeat slowed and my chest relaxed, and I began to feel calmer. When my breathing was normal, Mo Yun lay down next to me on our bed and I heard her inhale deeply, then exhale. She did it again, and her breathing was like an instruction: Do this, she seemed to be saying, breathe. So I did, and as I matched my breathing to hers, my fears subsided and I fell asleep.

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